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Don't make raising kids harder than it has to be
By My Nassau Sun
Aug 23, 2008
Listed below are some of the negative results that may occur.
Children:
-are demanding and disrespectful
-are selfish, with no regard for others
-have no sense of self-discipline
-are lacking in self-direction
-are angry and/or needy
-are depressed
-are using drugs and alcohol
Parents:
-feel trapped and used
-feel resentful, anxious and frustrated
-feel like a failure as parent
-are not able to have fun with their child
On a flight to Colorado to visit family members, my wife and I had an interesting, somewhat annoying experience. Sitting behind us was a family of three - mother, father and son, who was probably about 5 or 6 years of age.
Throughout the flight the mother and child maintained a dialogue which, except for the recognizable differences in voice tone, made it difficult to know who was the adult. Another explanation might be that mom was conducting a two-hour therapy session with her son. From what I could tell, the father did not say a word. So, what's the problem?
As a teacher, counselor, coach, and psychotherapist, I have been working with parents and children for more than 40 years. My wife and I have children and grandchildren. I am in no way against kids; on the contrary they can be amusing, interesting, fascinating and at times almost magical. They represent the future of our nation and world. That's why I'm concerned about the current state of child-rearing.
In my view, raising children is about leadership, boundary creation, disciplinary techniques and general role modeling.
Granted, in single-parent households and families in which both parents work, the dynamics of child-rearing have changed. Whether it's out of guilt, exhaustion or a more permissive philosophy ushered in by Dr. Spock, Mr. Rogers and Dr. Seuss, among many others, the results are disturbing. My point is that kids and parents are not equal.
This discussion, to some extent, is as old as the hills. However, we do live in an age, generally, when kids have been taught to believe that they should get what they want, when they want it. Unfortunately, they often do!
The lines of demarcation between adult parents and their children become blurred. In my opinion that's not good for either.
Don't get me wrong - my wife and I have made our share of mistakes. This column is not meant to be finger-pointing or accusatory. Most parents want their kids to have positive values, social competencies, commitment to learning and positive self-identity. The point is that these strengths do not come from being buddies and/or therapists for your kids. Hopefully, they will have their own friends, good sound adult modeling and not need counseling services.
The lady on the plane, in my opinion, was trying to constantly engage her son in entertaining kid talk mixed in with psychobabble. I'll never know why dad did not get involved. The child seemed very verbal, almost mimicking his mom's conversational style. To me it was sad. Being an old guy, it was also annoying.
In her book Loving Without Spoiling , Nancy Samalin comments, "... Being too permissive usually involves our bribing and pleading and often giving in. It means saying 'no' but meaning 'probably not' or 'I'm not sure.' It's like the parent who told me, 'We've set very clear rules around bedtime. I think.'"
Permissiveness may feel loving in the moment, but it breeds insecurity (sometimes aggression). A child can't handle having too much power. No matter how much he protests or argues, he needs you to be in charge - in a loving way."
Bob Howat is a licensed marriage and family therapist who lives and practices in Fernandina Beach.
Copyright 2008
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